I am writing about this part of life so that I can overcome or at least control it. I didn't write this to draw attention to my looks, I didn't write it to connect with anyone particularly... but despite the confidence on a woman's face I know the struggle is real. The struggle to live up to what looks strong, healthy and beautiful.
EVERY GIRL HAS HEARD THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
The media fills our minds with images of what we should look like while at the same time telling us that it doesn't matter. Social media has videos all over that display the work of photo editors who change the appearance of a person almost completely. At work yesterday (I work with a lot of designers and photo editors) we watched a tutorial that turned a model into a piece of pizza..
I haven't grown taller since sixth grade. I grew curvier-ish. And I was an "early bloomer" which probably explains why I was a large elementary student. Instead of hiding my body from my size I started hiding it because of the change I was going through. None of my friends had boobs, "why did I always have to be the different one?"
Complements started coming my way. At church one Sunday, I distinctly remember a woman who hadn't seen me for a long time tell me that I was like the ugly duckling who turned into a swan. I thanked her because I honestly liked being compared to a swan. As I have thought about it since I wasn't sure if I should have felt flattered.
The boys seemed to like my changing, and I often got mistaken for an "older woman" but that never left me feeling beautiful, instead I became more self-critical.
From middle school to high school I emersed myself in every aspect of school: academics, sports, and clubs. I lived at there, some days I would be there from 5 in the morning and get home around 10:30 that night. Part of me forgot those fat feelings. Well, pushed them aside until cheer uniform measurements came and I would compare my inches to the skinny, beautiful flyer next to me. Fat. I was too busy to dwell on those thoughts too long. I was happy with my skin most of the time.
Cheer tryouts my Junior year
No comments:
Post a Comment