Part 1: Confession

A promise is a promise - part one of my confession.

Disclaimer: I am not writing this for sympathy or praise. I am writing this because I made a commitment to become better.

I am the problem. Me. I am obsessed with who I am or rather what I am not. The previous statement sounds vain and selfish, which it is, though I wish it wasn't.

The summer after I returned home from serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I was diagnosed with depression. It runs in my family and I had been watched for signs for a long time. This post isn't about depression though, this post is about me. Depression is a weakness, but it doesn't define me.

But it does lead to the discovery of the greater problem.

The first time I remember stepping on a scale was in the second grade, Mrs. Anderson's class. I think the school nurse came in and weighed everyone. Afterwards, a group of us were sharing our numbers (after all weight at that time was just a number) but when my numbers were noticeably larger than my peers I felt myself sink back into the shadows... I was different.

I was in the second grade! 

Grade school wasn't pleasant for me. My fifth grade year a redheaded boy moved into the class and I was in love. He sat next to me, rode my bus and he actually only lived around the block from my house. I was obsessed with him and he knew it. He abused it. I knew how to tease with the boys (four older brothers will do that to you), but teasing can quickly turn sour. 

It was late spring, the bus had been warmed by the sun and our driver let us keep the windows down as we drove down country roads. My sister and I were in the seat just in front of the new kid and another neighbourhood boy. They were teasing us and we happily took it. I don't remember everything (it was over 13 years ago) but the next thing I remember is a chunk of hair being pulled from my head by the new kid and then he told me to get on SlimFast because I was fat. 

"Whatever," I shook it off. I was bigger than that. What did he know.... Am I fat? I am fat.

When I see my body all I see is fat.